for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
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I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.