Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
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[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.