Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
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me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
an octopus is just a wet spider
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?