Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle