A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I think my mom just blocked me
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother