I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Lmao 🤣
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?