Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
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I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.