A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
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*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.