Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
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I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.