her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.