ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
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I feel it
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
gentlemen, hear me out
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Our lord and savoury.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet