Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
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If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.