*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
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Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.