WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
You Might Also Like
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Krampus.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course