What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
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Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch