I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
My guardian angel deserves a raise
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.