Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
You Might Also Like
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*