passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
You Might Also Like
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
me after drinking all the wine:
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.