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Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.