The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
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[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them