Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
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Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point