Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
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[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
He took my last fry, your honor
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.