OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
You Might Also Like
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Owl Sanctuary
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.