I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
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once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.