I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
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A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street