God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
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Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
this post was so formative to me
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.