Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
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Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
just having fun
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid