When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.