PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
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Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now