Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
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If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*