I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
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“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Jupiter
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again