COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
good let them take over I have had enough
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.