[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
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Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier