God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band