[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
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[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”