[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
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All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”