me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
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Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.