This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
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My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Going to church you guys need anything
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it