I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.