Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
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“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.