Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
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*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
When can I start eating bats again.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Sweet. Free refrigerators!