*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
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Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
When can I start eating bats again.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.