I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself