ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark