Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
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My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this