My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
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The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Life hack
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Succinctly put.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.