Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
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Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one