operators are standing by to ignore your call
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?