I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
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I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I wish I were this cool 😂
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
🙄😏😂🤣
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
When you “pspspsp” too hard