Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
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Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
me before I type out affect or effect
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
This raises questions
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣